These past twelve months have come and gone faster than David Duchovny's movie career.

In the span of a year, we've seen a war that started in controversy and ended in...well, technically it hasn't ended. But U.S. forces did manage to capture a tyrannical ruler who physically and mentally tortured his own people just to show the length of his power. But enough about Ashton Kutcher, we'll get to him later.

The weird, wide world of Michael Jackson also came back to the haunt the pages of your local newspaper after an unidentified family claimed he sexually abused their child and police actually arrested him. Some say the abused child's family is reporting it for the fame and settlement, but I'm convinced that Jay Leno and David Letterman made him do it for the monologue jokes.

But while 2003 was a year filled with more depressing events than a Jackson family Christmas newsletter, it wasn't that bad of a year for films. Granted, there were some so bad they didn't deserve to be distributed in our nation's prison system let alone a major movie theater chain but the hits definitely outweighed the misses much like the way Roseanne Barr would outweigh Billy Barty on a see saw.

This year featured such epic hits as "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King," "Cold Mountain," Peter Weir's "Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World," "Lost in Translation," Quentin Tarantino's "Kill Bill: Volume 1" ­ the list goes on. But this is "Movies that Suck," not "Movies Whose Asses We Suck."

So without further ado, here's the worst of the worst that was 2003.

When "The Grinch" premiered two Christmases ago and made the number one spot on the holiday box office, I knew it was only a matter of time before it would spawn a whole series of movies based on Dr. Seuss books, which are about 20 pages each. The makers of "The Cat in the Hat" faced a similar dilemma having to turn a 25-page book into a two-hour movie, which is easy to do if you just stuff it with more fart and booger jokes than a South Park convention.

It starred Mike Myers as the famed cat who magically appears in the house of a single mother to show her kids a good time without giving them wine coolers. For the entire movie, he cracks stupid jokes that aren't funny and references enough blatant product placements to flood Madison Avenue with a tidal wave of cash. Rumors are swirling around Hollywood that Universal plans to release two new Dr. Seuss films next summer called "Green Eggs and Spam" and "Oh, the Places You'll Google" of which I'm sure "Google" means "poop" in some foreign language.

You probably assumed it was only a matter of time before we featured another Ashton Kutcher movie in this year-end special. Despite his popularity, I'm shocked this grinning pretty boy still has a movie career since he's never starred in a movie that anyone seems to be able to mildly tolerate including such duds as "Dude, Where's My Car?", "Texas Rangers" and "Just Married." I'm convinced he trying to punk America.

In "My Boss' Daughter," hijinks ensue after Ashton tries to date his boss' daughter. There's no deep philosophical subtext or hidden messages about love, life or happiness, not that I expected there to be one. But, believe it or not, there were some critics quoted in commercials and newspaper ads who actually admitted they took away a new outlook on love and life after seeing it. Incidentally, they call the suicide prevention hotline more than twice in any given week.

Speaking of careers that should've been taken in the backyard, tied to a tree and shot years ago, Cuba Gooding Jr. can't seem to get a decent break either after following his grand performance in "Jerry Maguire" with a string of crappy film after crappy film. By the time "Boat Trip" premiered at my local theater, it was almost like he was looking through the screen and screaming out to me, "Danny, I can't take this anymore. I'm in so much pain. Please finish me off." You owe me one, Cuba.

"Boat Trip" stars Gooding and SNL token Hispanic guy Horatio Sanz as two buds who accidentally book themselves on a singles' cruise for gays, which sounds more like a plot twist for a "Guys Gone Wild" video than a feature length film. For ninety minutes, the two try to pass off as gay to avoid getting in trouble when Cuba falls for a female crew-member. If this movie were anymore like a third rate sitcom, the audience would've been given remote controls, which probably wouldn't be a good idea since people around me were trying to bludgeon themselves to death with the heaviest object they could find during the screening. By the way, you'll be surprised to know how many weapons you can make with an empty, extra large popcorn bucket.

Finally, my pick for suckiest film of the year goes hands down to this reality TV spinoff musical starring "American Idol" stars Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson in a musical about falling in love at a Spring Break resort. Actually, it's not that different from "Boat Trip" except it doesn't take place on a boat and Justin's pretending to be gay because he actually is gay.

Musicals aren't my favorite type of movie. In fact, they're one of my least favorites so it already had that going against it. But if you're going to make a movie about Spring Break, at least try to provide some of the sights that Spring Break provides in the real world. "From Justin to Kelly" didn't even do that. The only way I'll watch the director's cut is if Kelly spends more than fifty percent of the film downing beer after beer with her shirt and dignity permanently removed, which judging by her career, that's where she'll end up in a few years anyway.

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"Movies that Suck" is written and created by Danny Gallagher.

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To throw the ultimate New Year's Eve party, organize a rousing game of
"Pin the Tail on Angelina Jolie."

For past editions of "Movies that Suck," visit
http://www.Sillybuddies.com.

©2003 by Danny Gallagher
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