By DANNY GALLAGHER

Ever since Justin Timberlake ripped off Janet Jackson's top during the Super Bowl halftime show like a drunken coed in a Girls Gone Wild video, the Federal Communications Commission has started cracking down on indecency in radio and television.

The halftime show was the peak of a growing evolution in shock media that's designed only to get more eyeballs and ear drums, which is still protected free speech under the First Amendment. Of course, that's as long as it's not gratuitous like, for example, Celebrity Jello Wrestling specials on FOX with Ed Asner and Ernest Borgnine.

Before, radio and television certainly had it's dark side, but it was never as prevalent as it is now. Most of radio's bad boys were shuffled into the early morning hours where radio execs figured no one would listen to them. But pretty soon, they became wildly popular and now, almost every FM station in every city has a show that features stripper exposes, midget tossing competitions and the famed "5 O'Clock Fart Sound Effect."

Television, however, has become a monster in our living rooms, particularly reality television. It seems like each network has at least five of those demons airing the "real" life exploits of ordinary people doing unordinary things for fabulous cash and prizes. I won't bore you with another rant on reality television because if jokes were gasoline, Haliburton would be bribing me for access to energy resources. But I'd like to think the final blow for reality television would be dealt after one of the networks picks up a new show called "What Will You Do to Get On Television?" where contestants would describe what they would do to get on television and the grand prize winner gets to perform their feat on television.

CONTESTANT #1: "I'll staple my tongue to the back of a moving bus while learning how to speak Chinese!"
CONTESTANT #2: "I'll juggle my three adopted children while trying to milk the venom from a rattlesnake!"
CONTESTANT #3: "I'll eat my left butt cheek!"

But I never would could've guessed that something as inane and trivial as the Super Bowl halftime show could give the FCC the fire they needed to get back to work? Besides, how many people actually watch the halftime show at the Super Bowl every year like they've got bets on which overblown celebrity singer is going to run a zone defense. To be perfectly honest, I never watch the halftime show because I'm concentrating more on the game when I'm cheering for my time, the cheerleaders when I'm feeling lonely and the floor when I'm unconscious from the beer.

For years, it seemed like all they did was hand out licenses to broadcasters, pat them on the head and tell them to "play nice." And 20 "When Animals Attack" specials later, the FCC is finding itself in quite a tizzy.

But like the same dilemma that seems to constantly plague the Motion Picture Association of America, the FCC is only interested in cleaning up the airwaves if it involves something of a sexually explicit nature like radio morning shock jocks. Why do we have this compulsion to condemn media that's sexual, but even mildly violent images are still okily-dokily in the eyes of modern America? What kind of message does that send to kids? It's like catching them watching one of those badly acted, late night adult films on "Skinemax," and then telling them to watch more tasteful and intellectually stimulating movies like "Faces of Death IV."

There are a ton of movies released every year that barely have more than one uttered curse word, but it shows more than one-eighth of an inch of a bare butt and gets slapped on the forehead with a "Rated R" sticker. Now, the same thing applies to television and radio.

Shock jocks and the folks behind the halftime show are getting fined more aggressively than a public urinator with a bladder problem, but news programs and prime-time dramas throw more blood and gore at the audience than a 3-D version of "Evil Dead II" and no one even tells them to pick up the check at lunch.

All I'm asking is if the FCC is really interested in cleaning up the airwaves, trying using a broom that doesn't have so many holes in it.

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©2004 by Danny Gallagher

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