By DANNY GALLAGHER

Why do Hollyweird deaths always come in threes? It's like Death has obsessive compulsive disorder.

First, Ronald Reagan passes away after a ten year bout with Alzheimer's disease. The news comes as a sorrowful shock, but the feeling quickly turns into frustration after the networks spend two weeks pre-empting regular broadcasting to announce every mundane detail of the services from the family choosing a coffin to what kind of crab dip they'll be serving at the reception.

Then, the genius and personal god Ray Charles dies about two days later. And since I'm a New Orleans born blues freak, I spend the following five days in mourning by staying home and listening to my favorite song, "Hard Times," in 24-hour loops with a 15 minute break in between for a bowl of Corn Pops. He would've wanted it that way.

And just when things couldn't get any worse, the inevitable happened soon enough.

He was known by many names - the Hollyweird Rebel, the Wild One, the Contender, the Colonel and the Godfather. The kind of legendary organism that gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson described as "too weird to live and too rare to die."

Well, you can take his name off the endangered species list because Marlon Brando has died.

The man who would make offers you couldn't refuse, the man who gave birth to Superman, the man who's dying words summed up Vietnam better than any sugar-coated presidential speech ever could passed away at the age of 80.

And I, for one, am sorry to see him go.

Part of me misses him for the material. When Orson Welles passed away, comedy writers feared the fat joke had gone the way of the pie in the face. But thanks to one fateful night at the Sizzler, Brando ballooned to over 350 pounds and comedy writers across the world were able to put all those fat jokes to good use once again. Life was one long episode of "The Critic."

Another part of me misses his bizarre and irrational behavior. All of Hollyweird's finest have their moments in the spotlight when people start to question their sanity, but Brando's looked like behavior that set the standard for movie star egos. He'd refuse to work on the set of "The Score" in the presence of Frank Oz who just happened to be the director. He refused to memorize lines and read them off cue-cards. He even had them written on a baby's diaper for his scenes in "Superman." He'd appear on CNN and kiss Larry King on the mouth. That takes guts - four of Larry's last wives refused to go that far with him.

But the biggest part of me misses the man himself and, no, it's not THAT part, you sickos. His personal life may have been legendary and his behavior may have gotten him weird looks, but his talent was not of this Earth. His characters jumped off of the screen and into your mind and wouldn't leave no matter how many times you tried to replace them with horrific images like Dolph Lundgren doing "Hamlet" or Ashton Kutcher standing in for Jamie Lee Curtis for the lap dance scene from "True Lies."

Not only would movies like "On the Waterfront," "Julius Caesar" or (of course) "The Godfather" not be the same without him, they probably wouldn't thrive as long as they have. Take away the fact that they're timeless stories, surrounded with stupendous stories of Hollyweird's legends or set the standard for character acting and you've still got movies that are engaging, emotional and, above all us, entertaining as hell.

Just imagine what his greatest work, "The Godfather," would be like with any other actor in his famous role.

Dom Deluise - Not only does he order the horse's head to go in the movie producer's bed, but insists they bring it back and cook it up, so it doesn't go to waste.

Jack Nicholson - All of the hits he orders helps the Los Angeles Lakers win the NBA Finals for the next 20 years.

Clint Eastwood - Less talking, more shooting and the Don would always be accompanied by a chimp.

Marilyn Monroe - Oh, who cares how the movie would be different? It's Marilyn Fricking Monroe!

Joe Pesci - The singer who breaks down in front of the Don probably wouldn't last more than five minutes on screen.

Jimmy Stewart - His signature slow paced, stuttering voice combined with an Italian accent would stretch out the movie an extra hour.

So long, Marlon. Here's to you - a true contender. See you on the other side. Save me a seat at the seafood buffet.

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©2004 by Danny Gallagher

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