By DANNY GALLAGHER

Long before the days of "Beavis and Butthead," parents, educators, senators and old men wearing argyle socks while sitting in rocking chairs on their front porches have been blaming movies and television for children's violent behavior.

Even in the 1920's, a kid would plop down a nickel for the picture show and marvel and laugh at the new silent comedies that premiered every week. All the greats were there -- Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Fatty Arbuckle, Laurel and Hardy. But then when Harold Lloyd came along dangling from a clock on the side of a skyscraper in the 1932 classic "Safety Last!" just for the sake of entertaining an audience, all hell broke loose.

Kids across the country would start climbing buildings so they could impersonate their hero and prove to their friends the comedic geniuses that they truly were. When the epidemic became too much for the country to handle, theaters started pulling the silent comedy off the reels while parents held public burnings of Harold Lloyd merchandise sinking the man's career and name into eternal obscurity.

In case you haven't noticed, all of that was sarcasm. It's so hard to convey in print. Someone should create a font or punctuation mark for it. *~Something like this.~* That wasn't sarcasm, just an example ... *~since you need every little detail spelled out letter by letter.~* That was sarcasm.

Anyone with a working set of neurons can see that the media does have an effect on children and some cases were perpetrated by children who don't have the mental capacity to deserve being higher than a fish stick on the food chain. But the news, particularly television, exaggerates the extent of the problem for the sake of attracting eyeballs, and turns it into an convenient excuse for parents who don't know enough about their kids to prevent or explain their irrational behavior.

It's so widespread that even adults are using it on each other. Last month, prosecutors in the Scott Peterson trial revealed conclusive proof that Peterson must have killed his wife, Laci, because he told his mistress that his favorite movie was "The Shining."

Now I'm not coming to Scott's defense because based on the evidence and testimony in the case so far, Charles Manson has a better chance of convincing his next parole board to let him go free, even with the swastiki gouged in his forehead. But can someone's favorite movie determine their guilt as a murderer? To me, it sounds more ridiculous than an Oliver Stone biopic about the life of Fred Rogers.

After all, we all watch violent movies. Some of our most favorite movies have more violence in them than a Three Stooges karate film directed by Quentin Tarantino. Does having a taste for movies about a guy who gets fed into a wood chipper make us the same as the guy who actually feeds someone through a wood chipper? Well, in the immortal words of Zeus from "Die Hard: With a Vengeance" -- "No."

"The Shining" didn't turn Scott Peterson into a cold blooded killer. Money, greed and lust probably had more to do with it. But unless a dead butler told him to do it, his tastes in film is not the culprit. Based on this evidence, the only thing Scott Peterson is guilty of is having a very dark and twisted Netflix queue list.

Besides, "The Shining" is a pretty dark and violent movie but there a ton of other films that make "The Shining" look like an episode of "Romper Room." Take for example "The Evil Dead" starring Bruce Campbell, one of the greatest splatter films of all time, who has to chop up his friend who's been infected with the evil zombie curse with an extremely dull axe. If "The Shining" makes Scott Peterson a killer, then just call me Pol Pot. All my ex-girlfriends call me that anyway.

After all, if "The Shining" is proof of a human being's violent ways, then aren't all of our favorite films really just telescopes into our deviant subconscious behaviors? If that's the case, you might want to steer clear of these "exhibit A's to be."

"Reservoir Dogs" - You'll torture someone for fun the next time a Stealer's Wheel song plays on a classic rock station.

"2001: A Space Odyssey" - You'll hire a guy named Hal as a hitman.

"This is Spinal Tap" - You'll start a rock band and keep killing off the drummers just for the gimmick.

"Blade Runner" - You'll kill someone because you think they're a robot.

"The Princess Bride" - You'll cheat at a drinking game by poisoning someone.

"Duck Soup" - You'll start a war just so you can put all of those "gas attack" puns to good use.

"Memento" - You'll turn into a forgetful serial killer who only murders men named John G.

"A Christmas Story" - You'll take down everyone around you by any means necessary to get the gun you always wanted only to turn the weapon on yourself.

So remember, if any of these movies are one of your all-time favorites, then you're *~a heinous criminal.~*

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©2004 by Danny Gallagher

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