By DANNY GALLAGHER

Let's hope you're sitting down because I've got some pretty bad news.

"How bad is the bad news, Danny?" you ask. "Did Michael Moore die in a hunting accident for a poignant but hilarious bit in his sequel to 'Bowling for Columbine'"? Well, no, not really.

"Uh oh," you exclaim. "Was one of J.Lo's butt cheeks deflated in some kind of tragic pin cushion accident?" No.

"Oh God!" you shudder to think. "Did Bruce Willis finally kill Ashton Kutcher?" Well, maybe in a perfect world, but no.

Believe it or not, one of the greatest animal actors of our time has passed away. Keiko, the killer whale, died in captivity in Norway. He was 27.

A lot of movie lovers (or haters depending on your definition of Keiko's claim-to-fame) remember the whale for his starring role in the 1993 kiddy tear jerker "Free Willy." I remember being dragged to the theater to watch it against my will and was blown away by the whale' s performance not because it was emotional or convincing. After all, this is a whale we're talking about, not a monkey. Monkeys have so much range.

The whale's performance was incredible because if I were an animal of any species being held in captivity away from my family and habitat to star in a crappy kiddy movie like "Free Willy," I'd go from Flipper to Jaws in Mach 3.

Keiko's death in December sparked a wave of sympathy and support from Norwegian natives who actually built a stone memorial in the village where the whale died. I'm sure we're all aware death is a part of life and comfortable with our own mortality, but the fact that a whale has gotten a better funeral than any of us ever will is depressing enough to make you want to have yourself buried at sea while you're still alive.

But things get worse. The whale was actually buried in the village and environmental experts said the carcass could pose a threat to the groundwater system because of toxins that have built up in the whale's system. A lot of them have said the toxicity of the groundwater can cause severe stomach pain and nausea. What a coincidence! "Free Willy" caused the same thing back in the 90's.

It's about a bad kid who is taken off the streets after trashing the whale's holding tank in a aquatic park, adopted by a middle class, suburban family and let off against his crimes against "Sea World" with community service by working at the park he trashed. Eventually, he develops a special bond with the whale and strives to set it free. The ironic thing is that in real life, the whale didn't want to go free. His captors attempted to release him twice and both times his interaction with humans led him back in to captivity.

What surprises me in all of my extensive research (and by research I'm referring to going to Google News and typing "Show me everything you've got on the whale from 'Free Willy'") is none of the major animal rights organizations protested Keiko's lifelong captivity. With all the ridiculous PETA protests such as those over the shark attacks and the tiger that mauled Roy from Seigfried & Roy, Keiko's death seemed ripe to pick off their protest vine. But as far I can tell, it never happened probably because Keiko developed such a strong bond with humans that releasing him in the wild would be nearly impossible and even more dangerous.

That's got to be pretty hard on Keiko's caretakers - trying to convince their parents to keep this killer whale that "just followed me home," I mean.

©2003 by Danny Gallagher