By DANNY GALLAGHER

"Surviving Christmas" OR "Spreading Some Christmas Jeers"
Christmas, Christmas time is here, God help us...everyone

"Day of the Warrior" OR "Shelving Private Ryan"
ABC affiliates refuse to air "Saving Private Ryan" on Veterans' Day?

"Home Fries" OR "I'm Loathing It!"
Danny goes on a bad movie binge and lives to tell the tale

"Body of Evidence" OR "Great Scott!"
Scott Peterson's favorite movie is "The Shining" and that makes him guilty? Whaaaa?

"Alien vs. Predator" OR "Helping a Friend in Need (Of a CAT Scan)"
What to do when a friend desperately wants to see a movie guaranteed to suck

"The Beginning of the End" OR "The Summer of All Fears"
The reviews are in as Danny goes face to face with the "Sucky Summer Movie Challenge"

"Very Bad Things" OR "How to Make a Movie that Sucks"
Follow this handy guide and you'll soon be on the path to suck-sess

"Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow" OR "Guess What Comes After Seven?"
Nothing can stop it, it's risen again and it's coming to your town

"Exit to Eden" OR "The Horror, The Horror"
After being snubbed for an invitation to the wake, Danny says goodbye to Marlon Brando

"Can't Stop the Music" OR "...But You Can Always Try"
The AFI's lists the "greatest" 100 musical ear-aches of all time

"A Seaon on the Brink" OR "Your Win Some, You Lose Summer"
The summer movie season is finally here, God help us all, everyone one of us

"Cyborg" OR "Damme it All to Hell"
Danny makes a mistake, apologizes to his readers and admits he was wrong...sort of

"Indecent Proposal" OR "Halle Berry's Husband is Now an 'Ex-Man'"
Dear sweet beautiful luscious soft curvy high-spirited stunning sexy hot super hot smoking hot Halle Berry gets divorced, I think you see where we're going with this

"Multiplicity" OR "Don't Send in the Clones"
"Gigli" back...and it's on home video...and they're mutliplying...that means they're having sex, which is too gross to think about so I'll just stop now

"Street Fighter" OR "It Came from the Arcade"
It's worse than Jean Claude Van Damme's worst film of all time and that's the highest compliment I can give it

"Citizen Kane" OR "Citizen Krap"
AFI, SchmayFI, let's take this number one film down a few notches

"Cannonball Run II" OR "A Confederacy of Dunces"
The South and movies - a deadlier combination than moonshine and diesel fuel

"You Got Served..." OR "...With a Fine from the FCC"
Sex on television and radio is bad...agree with me or I'll shoot you

"Mystery, Alaska" OR "Hat Tricked"
Finding movies in your siblings' bedrooms that are more shocking than porn

"Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man" OR "Ad Nausea"
When did the local movie theater become the community subliminal message implanter?

"Oscar" OR "My Statue Has a First Name..."
The award that launches a thousand insincere smiles...

"Valentine" OR "Romeos Must Die"
Valentine's Day sucks, but "Valentine" makes it suck like nothing that has sucked before

"Mouse Hunt" OR "Bringing Down the Mouse"
Everybody sing along! "The Walt Disney Company is falling down, falling down, falling down..."

"Kangaroo Jack" OR "Why January Makes Me Hopping Mad"
WARNING! This humor column features a rapping kangaroo...avoid making direct eye contact...

"Free Willy" OR "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Dead Fish"
The life of a killer whale who had a better funeral than any of us will ever have

"This Island Earth" OR "Shut Up!: The Movie"
You're not funny or Tom Servo, so stop talking during the movie

"The Grinch" OR "How 'The Grinch' Almost Ruined Christmas"
All the Who-heads from Who-niversal who wrecked the who-liday season

2003 - That Was the Year That Sucked
A look back at a year of horrid movies