By DANNY GALLAGHER

Someone needs to stand up for the rest of us and stop the American Film Institute before it mutates into an uber-powerful movie criticizing machine and destroys us all with one mighty swoop of its thumb.

Any takers? No? Shoot, I guess I'll have to do it myself, you lazy bastards.

This week, the AFI (which also stands for "amalgamation of f&#*ing idiots") released another one of its famous film lists as part of their eternity-long series of the 100 greatest films of all time. In the past, they've chronicled the "greatest" movies, comedies, love stories, heroes and villains and thrillers with lists that completely do away with the audience's opinion and reminds normal movie viewing monkeys that their tastes in films aren't classy enough to be noticed.

This isn't a personal attack against the AFI as a whole because they actually serve a very important role in the eyes of the film loving public. They lead effective and important crusade for film preservation, education and sexual equality. But these lists have been a rash that cannot be scratched, no matter what sharp pointed kitchen instrument you can find.

This time, the AFI chronicled the 100 greatest movie songs of all time and while a small portion of the tunes are right on the money, some of them made my skin crawl. Most of them got stuck in my head and won't leave no matter how many sickening visions I've tried to cram in there. You know it's time to see a shrink when you find yourself sitting in your living room trying to hard to focus on Ernest Borgnine getting a bikini wax by Lon Chaney Jr. in full werewolf makeup.

Now the first ten feature obvious choices like "Over the Rainbow" from "The Wizard of Oz" (#1), "Singin' in the Rain" from "Singin' in the Rain" (#3) and "Mrs. Robinson" from "The Graduate" (#6). Those aren't the ones I have a beef with, it's the rest of the list that needs a "tune-up."

Every list they've ever done seems eerily similar. My theory is they pick the top ten first, which all the most obvious choices, and then throw in a bunch of lesser known films or songs for numbers 11-100. It's like they spent 30 minutes picking the songs for the top ten, and every time they get to number 11, someone would yell "Food fight!"

Some of their choices are downright laughable. Take a look at some of these musical ear-aches.

Number 96 - "Footloose" by Kenny Loggins from "Footloose" - First of all, the only movie list "Footloose" should have a spot reserved for is on the "Movies that Can Be Used to Coerce Information from Iraqi Prisoners" list. And secondly, did anyone who actually saw "Footloose" want to rush out and buy the "Footloose" soundtrack? The first and only time I ever watched it, I almost cut my own head off because I thought that was the quickest way for the song to escape.

Number 93 - "Lose Youself" by Eminem from "8 Mile" - Now this isn't necessarily a bad choice because "8 Mile" was good for a celebrity cross-over movie, but this seems more like an attempt to include a movie that would make them look hip. It's something younger audiences could identify with since most of their choices are older films because, let's face it, they're better. It's like when your grandfather tries to prove that he's hip by lip-syncing to MC Hammer's "Too Legit to Quit" in a set of parachute pants.

Number 56 - "Thank Heaven for Little Girls" from "Gigi" - [insert your own Woody Allen joke here]

Number 14 - "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion from "Titanic" - If tou're a guy and not deaf, you're just as lost for words as I am. In the late 90s, this is a song that almost wiped out an entire generation of young men and almost wiped out the minds of young women, not that there was much to wipe out anyway. Celine Dion shouldn't be honored for bringing this super annoying song to the world, she should put before a military tribunal. I'm surprised the U.S. hasn't invaded Canada yet for stockpiling weapons of mass destruction in the form of Bryan Adams CDs.

Just think of the songs that probably didn't make it past the first cut. What about "Shout" by Otis Day and the Knights from "National Lampoon's Animal House"? What about Barry's stirring rendition of Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On" from "High Fidelity"? For God's sake, what about Terrance & Phillip's musical triumphant, "Uncle F***er" from "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut"? Is that not one of the greatest musical moments you've ever seen in a major motion picture?!?

Of course, there's no audience participation portion on the AFI's website to go along with this list. Last time they did that for the greatest comedies of all time, the people voted for "Porky's." But I urge you to send your votes in anyway through the power of the pen, or in this case, your keyboard.

Let's make "South Park's" "Uncle F***er" the people's choice for greatest movie song of all time. Seriously, send a message to the AFI at http://www.afi.com/about/contact.aspx and forward this week's column to all your friends and get them to do the same.

It's time the audience had a say in these lists.

It's also time you people got up off your collective duffs and stopped depending on me to make these things happen. I'm only one humor columnist, you know.

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©2004 by Danny Gallagher

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