By DANNY GALLAGHER

Every year, just after the nominations for Academy Awards are announced, critics and the media react to them like they've just announced that "Zapped II" swept the list.

THE AVERAGE MOVIE CRITIC: "OH MY GREAT GARGANTUAN GLAZED GOD! If you had told me a year ago that a movie that millions of people have seen and hundreds of critics have called the greatest film they've seen since the film projector was invented was going to get the most nominations at this year's Academy Awards, I would've beaten you over the head until you came to your senses. Well, someone get me an aluminum bat because I need a serious whuppin'!"

Oh, if only that were the easiest solution.

The truth is the Academy Awards have gotten more predictable than an episode of "Celebrity Jeopardy!" starring Paris Hilton, Anna Nicole Smith and Stephen Hawking, which would probably be a more entertaining way to spend my Sunday evening.

Every "exciting" moment is exactly the same. The smarmy host finds a way to introduce a celebrity presenting an award with a joke that was written on their hand by Bruce Vilanch five minutes before they were pushed out on stage.

The celebrity, assuming they have enough talent to act like someone who can read without moving their eyes, introduce the nominees by reading a script that's more inane than an episode of "Blossom" written by a heroin addict.

Then the winner picks up his or her trophy, gives a speech, thanks everyone involved in the film from the producer to the catering staff and is dragged off stage by the official Oscar SWAT team for taking longer than the allotted three minute deadline.

Occasionally, during the acceptance speech, there's a snafu that manages to sneak past the program's censors like Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon's impromptu political rant or Michael Moore's wartime tirade against President George Bush, but they aren't shocking because they do this for a living. These people spend their lives ranting in front of cameras about the latest hot button social issue, which is totally within their right whether they're on the Oscar acceptance stage or on the Fox News Channel trying to keep Bill O'Reilly from biting their heads off and sucking out their innards.

In fact, I strongly believe if you win an Oscar, you have the right to say whatever you want on stage as long as it's three minutes or less. You've won the award, so you've earned the right to rant into the microphone like Dennis Miller on crack. In fact, I've got my Oscar acceptance speech already written.

DANNY'S OSCAR ACCEPTANCE SPEECH: Wow, thanks so much everyone, this is such an honor. First of all, there's a lot of people to thank for helping me achieve this award but I've got more important things on my mind like orange juice. Why is it when you go out for breakfast and ask for a glass of orange juice, the waiter brings you a shot glass of orange juice? I think we need to pass some kind of federal law that requires at least a 32 ounce sized glass of juice in every restaurant in America! Who's with me?!? (pause for applause) And another thing, ladies, would it hurt if you picked up the check once in awhile? I mean, it's not like McDonald's charges a week's pay for those Big Macs. (pause for applause) Oh and while I'm on a roll, where's Russell Crowe? There he is, listen up man. Can you take some Ritalin and calm the #*$%& down? Seriously, dude, count to ten, take deep breaths, scream "Serenity now!" (pause for butt kicking from Russell Crowe)

But to be totally honest, I hope the Academy never realizes their show puts more people to sleep in a single night than Alan Greenspan reading "War and Peace."

Because, if the last Super Bowl halftime show is a sign of things to come, TV executives will do anything they can to get as many people as possible to watch by any means necessary, and I don't think anyone wants to see Justin Timberlake take off Judi Dench's top. Ever.

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©2004 by Danny Gallagher

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