Bin Laden's Latest Tape Contains Hilarious Bloopers
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - A chilling new video to be released by Attorney General John Ashcroft, the CIA and the White House Press Corps reportedly will contain hilarious bonus outtakes, bloopers and behind-the-scenes bonus shots. The tape compiles recent incriminating tapes showing the five wackiest members of the Al Qaeda terrorist network. "This video is a critical must-have for every American citizen to aid in finding these terrorists before they try to attack again," Ashcroft said. "And at the end, there's this part where Khalid Ibn Muhammad Al-Juhani is slowly walking towards the camera, and he's about to say 'America, be afraid of Allah,' when he suddenly trips over the strap on his gun and it goes off and wounds one of Bin Laden's wives and they all start laughing. Hysterical."

White House Reviews Enron, Gives "Two Thumbs Up!"
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - After a thorough review by White House staff, investigators are giving the company "two very enthusiastic thumbs up." According to White House Press secretary Ari Fleischer, "We reviewed allegations of insider trading and suppression of evidence and we find them to be very gripping, suspenseful and entertaining for the whole family." Adding, "It had this administration's attention the whole way through," Fleischer suggested that the general public should "run, don't walk" to their local newsstand to read the results of the review.

Bush Writes Own State of Union Address With Mad-Libs
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - In an effort to appear more independent, President George W. Bush wrote and presented his first State of the Union address in front of the joint session of Congress Tuesday night. Insisting on writing the entire speech himself, the president enlisted the help of the Mad-Libs book series, the popular party game for 6-year-olds. "Thousand of dangerous squirrels, schooled in the methods of farting, often supported by underwear, are now spreading throughout the Chuck E. Cheese like pooping time bombs, set to go off without warning," Bush said while giggling on the floor of the Senate Tuesday.

Republicans Tout Passage of "Soft-Serve Money" Bill
CAPITOL HILL (DPI) - After suffering a 240-to-189 vote loss in the House over the recent soft money ban bill on Thursday, ending a seven-year controversy on campaign finance reform, Republican senators and congressmen rallied together today to gather support for the delicious new "Soft-Serve Money" bill. "This new version of allowing soft money into political campaigns is sure to keep candidates economically viable and competitively satisfied," Senator Mitch McConnell (R-South Carolina) said today. "Plus, it's got half the fat of regular soft money and half the calories, too. It's a delicious way to keep financial campaign contributions healthy but scrumptious."

Gagging Order Submitted At Georgia Crematory Trial
LAFAYETTE, GEORGIA (DPI) - The Walker County District Attorney's office has filed a petition for a gagging order in the case of the man accused of leaving hundreds of corpses to rot in hot outdoor conditions. "We feel that this order would allow the jury to release its feelings of nausea and even vomit if need be while viewing disgusting images of rotted human flesh," District Attorney Bert Butterworth said. The judge has not yet made a decision on the order, but has promised to allow hacking and the dry heaves.

Missile Defense Test Successfully Destroys US Government Building
WASHINGTON (DPI) - In a test declared a "success," an anti-ballistic missile accidentally went off course and destroyed an office building for the US Department of Transportation, killing 56 civilians and wounding over 200 others. The Defense Department issued a statement taking responsibility for the unprovoked, successful attack. "Even though the missile did not hit the dummy target that we had set up on a remote Pacific island, it totally obliterated the building that it did hit, causing serious structural damage and heavy casualties," Pentagon spokeswoman Cheryl Irwin said.

Use of Gibberish Up 12% After 9-11 Attacks
HABERDASHING (DPI) - Flebber nicengil flabben portroy hin negenwaltenfloofer, wain teeten vegen trido plogger sig verty putten lackey egerel. "Foo protnoy loofenwoomer hewd, pobnobber corten laffed noughed loofen nurmel forred poopen nobben goot ved," yockten Goost Hockenlooger snut. Rev farten sig fewp nin bertencraffersox snut hin luggen rep barpen varvenkemper.

Axis of Evil Hires New Publicist
BAGHDAD (DPI) - The Axis of Evil, made famous during President Bush's first State of the Union Address, has hired a new publicist, Manny Shapiro, who will be in charge of Axis media interviews and features. "Our last agent, Monty Feldman, really hasn't been keeping us in the limelight these past few weeks," said Dastardy McSnurdly, director of the Axis of Evil. Shapiro has already secured interviews in such major publications as Town and Country, Newsmonthly and Field and Stream. "We feel that Manny will not only help us achieve better publicity, but he will help us increase morale and our evil work ethic around the office," said McSnurdly.

Houseplant Admits to Asexuality
LIVING ROOM (DPI) - A fern sitting in the corner of the living room has publicly admitted that it is asexual. "Something inside is telling me that I can hide the truth no longer," it said at a public press conference today. "I'm asexual, and I'm proud of it." Rumors about the fern's supposed sexual preference abounded when it was seen in an underground asexual bar where asexuals go to meet themselves. The cactus that props open the door to the backyard could not be reached for comment.

America's Homeless Experiencing Longest Period of Recession
WASHINGTON (DPI) - The U.S. Treasury Department released its annual fiscal budget today and found that the homeless class, that is those Americans without homes, is experiencing the longest period of recession of any economic group currently living in the United States. "We feel that the long recession among the homeless is due to a lack of a regular income and inability to retain jobs for extended periods of time," said Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill. O'Neill estimated that the homeless have been experiencing this recession for more than 100 years due to factors including the stock market crash of 1929 and their lack of homes.

I Can't Sleep
4:00 A.M. IN FRONT OF TV (DPI) - God damn it, it's four o'clock in the goddamn morning and I can't fucking go to sleep. I've gotta get up in three hours so I can at least get a decent breakfast, take a shower and maybe watch a little of "The Early Show" before I head out the door. Why can't I goddamn fall asleep? What the hell am I watching anyway? What is this? "Card Sharks." It's four in the goddamn morning and I'm gonna be late for work in the morning because I'm watching the Game Show Network? Goddamn it.

President Injures Self While Imitating Jackass Stunt
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Fresh on the heels of becoming the number-one movie at the box office last week, the makers of Jackass: The Movie are under fire yet again after President Bush injured himself while imitating a stunt he had seen in the film. At a dinner with Naoto Amaki, the Japanese ambassador to the U.N., the president snorted approximately three tablespoons of wasabi in an effort to gain his support for the United States' coming war against Iraq. "The president was not seriously injured, but he'll be recuperating for at least the next two days," said White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. "Sadly, though, Japan now falls under the president's Axis of Evil."

Dude, She's Looking This Way
THE ELEMENT BAR (DPI) - Dude, check her out, man. No, not her. The blonde chick next to her. Yeah, the one without the goiter. She's looking over here man. She's must have noticed that half a can of O'Doul's that you had the waiter send over to her table. Oh shit dude! She's fucking looking this way! And she's smiling! Oh my God, man! This is a first! Usually they just down whatever drink I gave them and then run out of the bar looking for the nearest pig cop to tell them that I slipped them a date-rape drug.