By DANNY GALLAGHER

Saturday is Valentine's Day when all the world's sweethearts give each other roses, boxes of chocolate cherry cordials and heart-shaped candies with sickeningly cute phrases written on them like "LUV YOU" and "UR CUTE."

It's also a day when Blockbuster Video falls in love with their customers since they make more of a killing than Carrie on prom night renting out millions of romantic movies to couples looking to sit on their turn their sofa into a "love seat."

But for movie critics like me, it's a day we dread more than a private screening of an Ashton Kutcher movie in 3-D.

It's no secret - we cranky movie criticizers are a lonely bunch. It's hard to stick with someone for very long since we're experts in nit-picking and complaining about every little thing. Enjoying a date is practically impossible since we've already seen all the movies ahead of time. And in case you haven't noticed, some of us are pretty homely looking.

Seriously, has anyone watched an episode of "Ebert & Roeper at the Movies" recently? I have the utmost respect for their work, but they make Lenny and Squiggy from "Laverne & Shirley" look like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. Not that I've ever noticed the striking good looks like the guys from "Good Will Hunting" because they are good looking and if I was a chick, I'd definitely want to score with them. But I'm just saying if I was a woman and I'm not saying that I want to be...I think I'll just shutup now.

But because movie critics are lousy at love, they have more than an average amount of hate for romance films. Of course, it's not hard to hate romantic movies because most of them suck anyway. Then again, my view might be slightly skewed since I'm a guy and when I'm out with my friends for a night of fun at the Cineplex, our recommendations usually include films with words like "die," "blow" and "up" in the title.

So usually, around Feb. 14, we're more inclined to see something very dark and depraved where innocent lives are lost, horny teenagers are brutally murdered and someone suddenly loses feeling from their wrist to their shoulder. It's a much healthier for disgruntled movie critics than, say, gun repair.

One of those horror releases back in 2001 came in the form of "Valentine," and it was so bad that it caused more psychological trauma to the minds of movie critics more than any prom date ever could.

It's your typical sappy slasher flick about some psychotic killer who can't get over their teen angst and decides to take out their anger by burying a hatchet in someone's face. Except there's one major difference - it really sucks.

Pretty much all slasher flicks steal something from the grandaddy of films with high, horny teen body counts - "Halloween." It's so popular that it's hard not to steal things from it. The biggest link is the fact that the killer can only be identified on screen by a mask. This time, it's a Cherub faced stone mask that goes around slashes innocent people into bite-sized Snickers bars.

Come to think of it, almost all of the slasher films following "Friday the 13th" have the killer wearing some kind of mask. In the "Scream" trilogy, the killer wore a screaming ghost mask. In "Friday the 13th," beloved Jason wears a hockey mask. Like "Valentine," they take an innocent looking image and turn it into one of blood, violence and fear. That explains why also Monica Lewinsky masks aren't selling as well as they used to.

So if you're swooning a loved on this weekend, love them, squeeze them, huge them and please them and rent a movie that'll put you in the mood for love - "Showgirls."

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©2004 by Danny Gallagher

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